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Lahore Qalandars versus Karachi Kings: A match made in mediocrity

Lahore Qalandars versus Karachi Kings: A match made in mediocrity

When PSL first started, the Lahore Qalanders with their superior song game and amazing name looked extremely threatening. With all the patronage that bequeaths the city, there was no reason for the Qalanders not to do well—that was until you watched them perform. The Lahore Qalanders disappointed and confounded audiences with their ability to be forgettable in a 5-team tournament. With Brendon McCullum as captain, it takes a special team to perform so poorly.

Follow: Lahore Qalandars versus Karachi Kings at Sharjah

However it seemed apt that this team represent the entitlement and smugness that is Lahore. Whether justified or not, this Lahori PSL team will be inflicted on the rest of the nation in a metaphor so fitting, I will not elaborate further.

On the other hand, Karachi Kings, a name so lazy that ARY did not have to spend any extra resources to think of a decent word that started with K. So given that even their sponsors have absolutely no time for them, the Kings have emerged to be as relevant as actual kings in 2017. At least Lahore has the distinction of being the butts of everyone’s jokes, Karachi unfortunately is not that interesting.

In times like this, when even cricket cannot distract us from the disappointment that is life, let us create unnecessary hype that will leave you even more underwhelmed than before after the February 16, 2017 match. So buckle up for this exciting matchup between two mediocre teams.

1. Karachi-dominated history

If the previous two encounters between the two teams are anything to go by, Lahore is probably not even on Karachi’s radar this season. The two times that these teams met in the 2016 PSL, the Karachi Kings won comfortably by 7 wickets and managed to get the Qalanders all out for 151 in the second match.

Karachi has a strong bowling lineup that has the potential to destroy any batting order. In the past two matches, there have not been any standout performances from the Lahore Qalanders to inspire any confidence in their fans.

However going on momentum, Karachi has lost both of the games it has played (against Peshawar Zalmi and Quetta Gladiators), while Lahore has actually won one of its two matches (albeit the win was against a struggling and scandal ridden Islamabad United, but we’ll take them however they come).

Apart from actual cricket, this match will be about so much more. Most of the Tweets (let’s admit it, we watch for the tweets) you’ll see during the match will centre around food, metro buses and killer puns.

2. Lahoris gonna troll

We all know that Karachi has better food than Lahore. They know it, we know it, and the unfit players on the pitch know it. But for years Lahoris have perpetuated a myth that Lahore has amazing food and have managed to defend it for years with a straight face.

Our best bet is to hope that Lahoris will continue this trolling on the field, as the unearned arrogance that comes from being Lahore will get under the skin of their Karachi counterparts.

3. Lahore has the final

Say what you will about the lack (read: non-existent) of chances of Lahore qualifying to the semis (in a 5 team tournament BTW, because that makes complete sense); on March 7, 2017 Lahoris will be enjoying that sweet spring weather and jamming to the beats of a subpar DJ-cum-crowd-hype-guy at the PSL final. We will rub our droopy shoulders together in endless security lines to see the only thing that matters in the world: A LIVE CRICKET MATCH WITH ACTUAL HUMAN PLAYERS DOING CRICKET THINGS.

So Karachi can work hard and try to qualify for the final, but there is one thing they will never have, institutional and systemic favouritism from the PCB.

4. Mascots

While Lahore has, well, roads, Karachi has the unique distinction of being the home of international sensation and all round meme: AUNTY GORMINT!

This Round: happily conceded to Karachi aur yeh author bik gayi.

5. Sea-sawing relationship

While the rest of the teams are stressing about the levels of corruption in the League, Lahore and Karachi will be too preoccupied by the age old debate that hinges on being geographically located next to the sea. Through no personal achievements of their own, this gives Karachites an inexplicable advantage in cricket or in any logical debate. The rationale goes that proximity to large bodies of water, that are likely to rise but cannot be used for practical purposes like generating electricity or drinking, has magical effects on the ability of cricket players. This totally scientific theory has Lahoris congregating on the Ravi--before retreating in disgust due to pollution--to compensate for the lack of sand in their shoes.

6. Baarish Envy

The unfair lottery of climatic patterns has deprived Karachi of the healthy amount of water pouring from the skies that every cricketing city needs to keep its players drenched, games delayed and mobility impaired.

As Lahore basks in the wrath of most regional rain storms, Karachi fails to realise the upsides of not having enough rain--MORE CHANCES TO PLAY CRICKET OUTSIDE.

Lahoris: We play in the rain so no one can see our tears when we lose.

7. Street-smarts versus lack of smarts

Karachi is known for its gritty players, who scrap runs together like my mother hoards used jars. They might not have the flair or extravagance—but who needs that when you’re Miandad or Sarafaraz. While the Karachi player gets smartness from the streets and fights till the end, a Lahori player is in an eternal fight against the concept of intelligence. With the likes of Umer Akmal in the Qalanders’ team, the search for smarts remains ever so elusive this season.

8. News Channel Wars

Qalandars vs Kings is not simply a proxy for wars between two cities, it is also a tale of two channels: Geo and ARY. The two channels have already been at each other’s throats for ideological reasons, and this rivalry is primed to peak during the match of their respective teams. Just like a Pakistan vs. India match, the support by both channels will be severely loaded. Given these respective channels’ penchant for confrontation, it might be more entertaining to tune an hour before the match and watch anchors take on each other within the enforced boundaries of PEMRA regulations and if it gets a bit too much remember that this exists.

Cricingif shall not be responsible for the mental trauma inflicted during the viewing of this video.

As you gear up for the big match, remember to use creative insults and keep the spirit of cricket alive.