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Fantastic (Australian) Beasts And Where to Find Them
Pakistan Tour of Australia

Fantastic (Australian) Beasts And Where to Find Them

I once applied for asylum in Australia to escape persecution in Pakistan – only to discover everything in Australia is trying to kill you. Much like how our cricketers are now discovering that the Australian bowlers are trying to kill them.


Sure we’ve had many snakes in our dressing rooms causing controversies but at least we’ve never had a snake in the toilet!

 Haan boys, match fixing karo gay?

Haan boys, match fixing karo gay?


Our batsmen are not equipped to handle so many short balls. None of them were born in a red light district, so none of them are natural hookers. The only escape our cricketers now have from the ferocious Australian bowling is to run into the wilderness and be one with nature. It should not be hard as our players are all basically Australian animals.

1. Yasir Shah is a Kangaroo

 Small, agile and bouncy!

Small, agile and bouncy!

Just put a baby in Yasir Shah’s pouch and you would be unable to tell which is which!

Also you get happy just looking at both.


2. Wahab Riaz is a Komodo Dragon

 Their super-aggressive natures are one and the same

Their super-aggressive natures are one and the same

Little known fact, the reason Wahab Riaz was to bowl so well to Shane Watson in the World Cup was because he had transformed into his natural state: A Komodo Dragon.

He may just become the first bowler in history to run up to bowl on all four legs.


3. Sharjeel Khan is a Koala-ity player

 Koalas already just eat and sleep - if they played an occasional good T20 innings they would basically be Sharjeel Khan.

Koalas already just eat and sleep - if they played an occasional good T20 innings they would basically be Sharjeel Khan.

Sure Sharjeel Khan will never have the quality to hang upside down from a tree but you can imagine in his spare time he hangs out around food all day.


4. Mohammad Aamir is a salty (salt water crocodile)

 The apex predator in our attack

The apex predator in our attack

Mohammad Amir probably has more support catching something if he was hunting in the wild, than he does from fielders in our team.


5. Sssssss-ohail Tanvir

 The ICC does not account for the nagin ka sharap that Sohail Tanvir got from Sri Devi.

The ICC does not account for the nagin ka sharap that Sohail Tanvir got from Sri Devi.

Nobody has ever been able to understand Sohail Tanvir’s action but that is because his bowling action was being judged against other human beings.


6. YK is the Platypus - It just makes no sense

 Nothing about them suggests they should survive, let alone be effective but despite having webbed feet Younis Khan has managed to score tons of runs for Pakistan. In your face, Charles Darwin!

Nothing about them suggests they should survive, let alone be effective but despite having webbed feet Younis Khan has managed to score tons of runs for Pakistan. In your face, Charles Darwin!

Apart from obviously having the exact same face, Younis Khan and the duck billed platypus have a lot in common.


7. Mohammad Hafeez is a turtle

 Somebody that goes into his shell the moment the going gets tough?

Somebody that goes into his shell the moment the going gets tough?

How is Mohammad Hafeez not a turtle? They are both amphibious also. Hopefully the ICC will not ban turtles worldwide from laying their eggs on land.


8. Sarfaraz Ahmad is a Quokka

 Not only are they happy all the time, you also get happy just by looking at them.

Not only are they happy all the time, you also get happy just by looking at them.

The science is still not complete on whether Sarfaraz Ahmad is a person or Rashid Latif bathed in the fountain of youth but all scientists agree that Sarfaraz Ahmad (or Rashid Latif - you are not fooling me) is a Quokka.


9. Azhar Ali is a dingo

 Azhar Ali’s ascendancy to captain makes as little sense as a dog that hangs out on the beaches of Australia

Azhar Ali’s ascendancy to captain makes as little sense as a dog that hangs out on the beaches of Australia

The picture of a dingo in a vest looks more believable than a picture of Azhar Ali as the captain of the Pakistan team.


10. Misbah-ul-Haq is a cockroach

(Yeesh! Misbah fans will be eating you for dinner - Editor)

Hear me out. Nobody likes a cockroach but where would we be without them?

Hear me out. Nobody likes a cockroach but where would we be without them?

The cockroach has survived 320 million years and when all other species will go extinct, the cockroach is the only one that will remain alive, still fighting to keep life from completely fading away. You might not like them but without them our ecosystem would collapse. Judging by our hatred of cockroaches, it seems like we will only appreciate how much we need them once they go away.