The ICC has graced us once again with another TRP-baiting, low-stakes tournament match between arch rivals Pakistan and India. With tensions simmering between the two nations, as always, this is a great opportunity to bond with that racist uncle of yours, and sit back to watch those around you ruin your Sunday by making ignorant analogies between cricket and politics. Many Indian fans will tell you Pakistan has no chance of winning on Sunday, but I’m here to sooth your worries with this GIF, and my words.
Most Indian fans will base their confidence regarding June 4th on recent history. They will extrapolate their arrogance and trolling on the fact that India has emerged victorious consistently in previous tournaments. But as a student of historiography, I know that history is falsely written by victor, which in this case is India. The past is but just a construct and India’s hegemony on historical fact must be challenged venomously. The only statistic that matters here is the fact that Pakistan has won more ODIs than India, and most Pakistanis would get it tattooed if there wasn’t a danger of that changing during our lifetime.
India 0 Pakistan 1
In these big games, expectations of a nation riding on the backs of captain Virat Kohli will start to weigh like Umer Akmal when he faces an opposition whose idea of a good tournament is to skulk by without getting unwanted attention. India, riding high on IPL money and multiple tournament wins of late, doesn’t know the liberation that comes with walking into an exam with just a calculator and the hope that you get seated next to a smart kid. It is only then can you let your creativity flow and answer a geometry question with an essay about the oppressive nature of numbers. Pakistan have nothing to lose, except the tournament of course.
India 0 Pakistan 2
Why doesn’t India want to play Pakistan? Why is the richest and the world’s most celebrated side not willing to play a bilateral tournament with a team that can’t even play at home? Geopolitical issues and deep-seated historical enmity aside, the only reason could be because India is afraid of Pakistan. Like a teenager on drugs trying to avert his parents’ eyes, India refuses to play Pakistan because it knows that we’re the top ODI side in disguise. Things got so bad that the BCCI was this close to pulling out the tournament lest they had to play the fearsome Pakistan cricket team.
India 0 Pakistan 3
In the month of Ramzan, the Pakistan team will be wholly and holy prepared with an extra angel on the field, and everyone knows 12 players is better than 11, especially if your 12th player is an ethereal being. Fuelled by self-righteous swing bowling and a run-chase made more urgent by motivation to finish before Iftari, this Pakistani side will be unbeatable.
India 0 Pakistan 4
In this Trumpian, post-truth, post-Obama, post-cricket, post-yesterday world, polls and predictions are not to be trusted. In fact, any analyst worth one’s salt would tell you that predictions should be actively subverted—bet on the exact opposite of what you expect. Maybe the winner of the Pakistan-India match will be Kashmir?
Kashmir 1 India 0 Pakistan 4
Have no fear fans (unlike the Indian team of course, they’re really not doing that well), regardless of who wins we will all be losers; collectively be subjected to the assault on expression and language by Ramiz Raja and exposed to recycled jokes from 2015.