You have been selected for a special journey into the past - the 90s to be precise. Your host, like you, is a Pakistani cricket fan who will be watching the Pakistan India CT17 match with you.
‘Hello hello, Assalam o Alaikum! What wonderful technology this is, isn’t it? Travelling in time! What will they think of next - you know last week we got one of those phones that shows you the number of who is calling you? I mean all this stuff is amazing.
Anyways, welcome to the cricket. How are you doing? Array, what is this? Why are you nervous? This is India vs Pakistan bhayi - we defeat them in our sleep. Come on, just relax and enjoy this.
You have to trust me. We always play them on a weekend, we bat first and then blow them away with the ball. Just take a seat here. What are you doing with that remote? We only have one channel, what would we use this remote for?
What did I tell you - Pakistan are going to bat first. What do you mean India can chase well? My friend, Nawaz Sharif will have his hair back before India ever cause well. No one can chase well in ODI cricket. I mean, have even you heard of scoreboard pressure? Let’s just watch the match, shall we?
See this is how these matches go. When we bat first, one of our openers usually gets a 100. See this leftie over here - yeah, don’t worry if he starts poorly. He’s going to catch up and get his 100. Watch that - see how he slaps their pacers around? India’s pacers are just a joke man. You need to calm down.
Wow wasn’t that an amazing hundred? Of course, I had told you it would happen but you wouldn’t listen. I can’t wait to see the highlights of this innings next month when my local video store gets a copy! God bless the VCR.
Saeed Anwar’s 194 vs India, 21st May, 1997
You know now that I see them, I reckon India’s spinners probably bowl faster than their pacers. They never seem to spin it much anyways. I mean look at how they’re bowling straight yaar. So what if we had a stumble in the middle of our innings - you watch how we smash them at the end.
Uff I can’t believe you have been so tense especially when you know its Ramzan. I mean, that’s just a cheat code we’ve activated. 1992 mei bhi Ramzan tha, remember? Haven’t you noticed how when our opener got out, it was off a no-ball?
Ramiz Raja not out on no-ball, 1992 World Cup final
Or did you see how often they missed with their throws? How even when the ball hit the wicket the bail didn’t go off? I mean, how many more of your Lord's miracles are you going to deny?
By the way, are you listening to how they play Vital Signs every time we get four? I love Junaid Jamshed. What a playboy that guy is? I can promise you he will forever be singing about someone who has broken his heart, will never change. I wish the DJ played more Junoon as well. Those guys are so good! I don’t think Salman Ahmed can ever make a bad song.
Kaise Bolun, Junoon
Oh hey, that’s the end of our innings. How are you feeling? Wait, are you still scared? Of what? No one can chase these many runs, least of all against our bowling. You just watch now, our left-arm fast will take out two, three of their guys before you even blink.
Wasim Akram 3-11-3-8, Coca-Cola Cup Final v India at Sharjah, Apr 16, 1999
What do you mean they have amazing records in ICC tournaments? They’re just flat-track bullies my friend, just pad their stats. They can’t win their teams any matches. Indian batsmen are about as good as Johnny Lever’s comedy.
Did you see that? See how their opener fell second ball? I had promised you but you wouldn’t listen. India is like this only. Their batsmen can never handle the pressure. Array why are you getting so upset? Whoever this Kohli guy is dude, we’ve seen hundreds like him. Their batsmen never win matches for their teams. I tell you what - fetch my cordless phone. Can you believe this by the way - a phone without a wire? Do they have such stuff in the future? I’m just going to call my grandmother to do some Duas. Once she does, you watch as this Kohli fellow falls…
Oho he’s been dropped! Hey dear, don’t get suicidal our fielders are like this only. We’ll get another chance soon, put those tears away… See? What did I tell you? What did I tell you? No one can keep our pacers down buddy, no one!
Wasim Akram vs Sachin Tendulkar, Coca-Cola Cup 4th Match at Sharjah, Mar 26, 2000
Now just you watch, we will keep taking wickets while various anonymous Indian batsmen will try and pretend like they’re on the same level as us. I mean, watch how we are decimating them. This Indian side is just like Salman Khan - skinny, weak and only good for teary romances. They can’t handle this all-action stuff we bring.
Dil Deewana by Salman Khan, Maine Pyar Kiya
Oho now you’re getting worried about their hitting again. I mean, they’re also here to play, let them get some runs. Start thinking about how you’ll celebrate? Would you like some biryani? We usually have biryani when we beat India. And don’t worry about how much this guy scores, they always like to have one lone hero trying to save the sinking ship.
Atul Chandrakant Bedade, Pakistan vs India, Pepsi Australasia Cup, Sharjah, 1994
And there we go! What did I tell you? How easy was that win? I can’t believe you even doubted this. This is Pakistan vs India. We always beat these guys yaar, unless there’s some hanky panky going on. If D-Bhai and friends leave the game alone we’re going to beat them any time. You know, I just wish there was some competition at least.